This post is part confessional and hopefully part encouragement but it’s all honest and if it lifts someone’s heart then I will be a very happy camper indeed.

Confessions Part II (Some of y’all have Usher runnin’ through your head now…heathens!)

I am 41 and 42 is rapidly approaching. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a wife and a mother. When I was little I assumed that I would be like my parents; meet in college, get married young and start a family right away. Most of the adults that I knew had a very similar story and I assumed that was the way things worked. Well, little Debbie was sorely mistaken! I never had a high school sweetheart, college came and went with no Mr. Right to sweep me off my feet and the years plodded on with nary a kiss to mark the time. This middle-aged lady can count her total number of dates on one hand, that’s right I said ONE hand. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t loved, lost and lived to tell but it does mean that the loving and losing has been very one-sided. We can gather from my revelations that I’ve never been in a long-term relationship but I said I would be honest so, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit that I spent the better part of a decade very deeply loving someone who didn’t love me. Letting my heart go in a direction where it wasn’t welcomed was certainly not the most sound decision of my life but that painful season brought some incredibly valuable lessons and I cherish the things that I learned from unrequited love. For those of you who don’t read carefully I’m going to hearken back to my subtly slipped in bombshell. I have never been kissed, unless you count sloppy wet kisses from my nieces and nephews (that’s right, for the squeamish worshippers among you, I am squarely in the “sloppy wet kiss” camp! Now some of ya’ll have John Mark McMillan running through your head). From that revelation we can extrapolate that there are a lot of things that I’ve never done. I know good Christian girls aren’t supposed to talk about this stuff but I’ve heard that sex can be a lot of fun and I would love to find someone to have, hold and make love to but that’s not the direction my path has taken. I never wore a purity ring and I’m totally cool with kissing before your wedding (the thought of your first kiss happening in front of a crowd is nauseating to me). I wasn’t one of those youth group girls who sat down and made an impossible list of what qualities my perfect man should have and who sadly never met the mythical perfect man (at this point “Breathing” is my entire list). My issue wasn’t that I kissed dating goodbye, it was simply that no one was asking. I grew up with 3 brothers and have always had a lot of great friends of the male persuasion so I never felt like I was missing out. The few times that I have been asked out I said yes because they were great guys with whom I knew I’d have a great time. The biggest reason that I’ve never really dated or kissed anyone or slept with anyone is because, although Jesus is not my boyfriend, He is the most important person in my world. No matter how much I would like to be married, have sex, be a mom, what I really want most is to be who He wants me to be, where He wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do. This is my confession; Jesus is not my boyfriend, He is so much more and I couldn’t imagine a life where I simply settled for what I wanted while missing out on what He wants for me. I genuinely believe that someday I’ll be a wife and in reality I’ve already been a mom, of sorts, to a host of remarkable people but if it’s on my own schedule and not God’s then I will be missing something.

And Now For Something Completely Different (not really completely but maybe a little bit different)

I have read every article on singleness ever written in any Christian publication. I am a treasure trove of do’s, don’ts, statistics and facts. I have watched friends and family have wonderful relationships and awful relationships. I have seen bitter divorces and met friendly exes. I have worried that I’m too old for marriage only to watch a precious friend enter into joyous matrimony in her 60’s. I have worried that I’m too fat only to come across gloriously happy fluffy people who walked down the aisle. I have battled the great lie that I have to be perfect in order for God to bless me with a spouse only to watch friends who are walking, talking disasters turn out to be absolutely perfect for each other. As I have been single for longer than many of my friends and loved ones have been married, I’m often asked by other singles for any advice on how to be a contented single person. I have this small piece of wisdom to dispense to those who might be wondering how to be a fulfilled, successful single person, especially in the church. Are you ready? Are you sure? This is profound so make sure you can handle this!

Singleness sucks!

However, from what I’ve heard marriage can suck, parenting too. Pursuing your dreams can be awful and soul killing. Waiting for God to fulfill His promises can be torturous. The church can be a lonely place for a single person or a married person or any sort of person at all. The world can be harsh and cruel. The good news is that the reverse is also true. Singleness can be amazing. Marriage can be life-giving, parenting deeply rewarding. Waiting for God to fulfill His promises can be thrilling. The church can be a supportive place for a single person or a married person or any sort of person at all. The world can be magical and inspiring. The real truth that I have for you is simply to be obedient. God has a different plan and purpose for each life and if we obey we’ll find ourselves looking back on our path and finding the beauty in each step. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be hard days or confusion or heart ache. When those times come embrace them for what they are, part of being human. Shed your tears, shout, scream, rage and then dust yourself off and obey. There is joy in the obedience. This is the secret to being a successful, fulfilled whatever you are. Enjoy what you are in this moment, be it single, married, childless, widowed, or whatever else, and let God reveal the grace He’s prepared for the next moment. Don’t fall into the trap of wishing away where you are right now pining for what comes next. It is quite likely that where God has you right now is exactly the place He’s using to prepare you for what you’ve been hoping for. The great thing about obedience is that there’s no set way to obey. You simply follow the directions that God gives. Date or don’t date. Homeschool your kids or send them to public school. Eat the last piece of cake or save it for your hubby. Take that financial leap or put it away for a rainy day. All you need to be is obedient! The rest is in God’s hands.