Today after work I helped my mom take her car in for service. On the way home, as I was sandwiched in a long line of cars, I mentioned how irritated I was by the guy driving behind me. He was so close to my tail that, like kids at a high-school dance, there wasn’t even room between us for the Holy Spirit. I took the first possible opportunity to get out of his way and he weaved in and out of traffic at a dangerous pace. As he carelessly flew around another of the cars in front of me, I muttered something about his driving which prompted my mom to say “I always try to put myself in their shoes, what if there’s a kid waiting for them at school or an emergency at home”. It drew my attention to something that I have been thinking about all day…EMPATHY.

This evening I heard the sad news about some friends who are struggling to save their marriage. I had a lengthy conversation with another friend who is trying to help a struggling alcoholic walk the road to recovery. Earlier today, I was on Facebook for a few minutes and I saw a post from a dear friend who has been fighting a long, difficult battle. She was venting her frustration about people who unnecessarily add to the burden. All these things made me think about how many times I have been more concerned about saying my piece than about helping to bring peace. How many times have I weaved in and out of a conversation more interested in the destination than in paying attention to what is being said in the moment? I know that I have been sympathetic, offered a shoulder to cry on and said something trite but have I stepped into the realm of empathy.

All these circumstances led me to think about Job’s friends in Job 2. They do a lot of things right when their friend is suffering: they show up, they stay, they try to identify with Job and then…they open their mouths. That’s when things go downhill fast. They begin to give Job advice and help him understand why he’s at fault for his tragic circumstances. They take what they think they know and they try to correct their friend. In the end we’re told that Job is exasperated by these men and even God isn’t pleased with them. In Job 16 we see where Job, this man who has lost everything (home, family, provision, health, EVERYTHING!), looks at his pals and tells them they’re windbags and miserable comforters. What really jumps out at me is when he tells them that if the shoe was on the other foot he would never treat them as they treated him. Romans 12:15 says “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” it doesn’t say anything about giving advice or sharing your thoughts or even fixing the situation. If Job’s buddies had just continued to be with him, grieving with him, we probably wouldn’t know anything about them. I think I’d prefer to be unknown than to be a cautionary tale about how to add to the stress, pain and frustration of the hurting!

Empathy is a little more than feeling sorry for someone. It puts you in the shoes of the hurting. It is imagining what it might be like to go through a tough time and recognizing that, so many times, your presence is all that’s required. Empathy is the willingness to cry with someone without understanding why you’re crying. It is the patience to wait until your advice is requested to give it. It is choosing to be a silent partner in someone else’s struggle. It is at its essence just being. When the moment comes, and it will come, for you to be an empathetic presence in a friend’s time of need, don’t worry about figuring out what to do…BE. Be present, be quiet, be patient, be understanding, be willing to do research, make calls and go the extra mile, be willing to be forgotten, be gentle, be kind, be self-less, be willing to say “I don’t know” and “I have no words” and be a conduit through which healing and help can flow.

In this current age, where everyone seems to have a need to speak out and be heard, a little quiet, loving empathy could be a life-line to someone in need. Growing up I often heard it said that we have two ears and one mouth which means we should listen twice as much as we speak. Could you imagine what would happen in our society if we started listening more? What if every interaction came with a pause to consider what each person was feeling? Empathy costs very little, you might have to give up some time and maybe lose a smidgen of pride or selfishness. The beauty of empathy is that it allows us to view the world through another’s eyes. This gift of vision always expands our own view of that same world and gives us compassion for people we might otherwise ignore or avoid. Empathy, what an opportunity to make the world a better place, one wounded heart at a time.