It’s Friday, just another Friday. It’s mid-April 2019. The view from my window is a bit hazy and the weather forecast is calling for rain, rain and more rain. The news is full of tragedy and triumph, depending on your political persuasion. All appearances would lead you to believe it is just a normal day but, as we well know, looks can be deceiving.

I have been fighting back tears all day. They come without warning as I’m going about my “just another Friday” routine…morning commute, spreadsheets, conversation with co-workers, random errands, etc. These are inconvenient tears for a busy day but I embrace them completely.

I am a good person, or so I have been told by friends and loved ones. This good person (again by outside reports) is kind, sweet, funny, nice to children and old people, loving to family and friends, giving and caring, never killed anyone or stolen anything, not a home-wrecker, a good citizen and faithful taxpayer who votes responsibly, compassionate to man and beast alike, a goody-two-shoes and generally a pretty boringly good person who leads a life devoid of scandal. My second favorite book, the dictionary, defines good as morally excellent, virtuous, righteous, pious, of satisfactory or high quality. I am a good person and that is why I can’t stop crying.

Remember…looks can be deceiving.

You see, I know that beneath my good appearance lies deep darkness. On any given day, to be honest, at any given moment, there is jealousy, insecurity, anger, selfishness, laziness, lust and a whole host of other unpleasant, rotten, vile and wicked tendencies bubbling in my heart and mind. This good person is mean, judgmental, harsh, cruel, has a sharp biting tongue and a quick wit that can tear you limb from limb (ask my brothers they’ll confirm without hesitation), is unyielding, demanding, demeaning and rude. I know, I know this is just being human. Everyone has bad days, rough moments, frustrations and thoughts that would make a sailor blush. That doesn’t mean you’re not a good person, right? Well, this good person has never killed anyone or destroyed a marriage or anything even remotely like that; but if it’s the thought that counts then murder, adultery, theft, hatred and limitless violence are all in the mix of this good person! This isn’t why I can’t stop crying, I mean really, this good person has no remorse and cries for no one but her petulant self.

So why the tears?

This is the day that I remember what makes me a truly, genuinely good person. In an almost mystical, wibbly, wobbly, timey, wimey sort of way, a few thousand years ago a man chose me above himself. In anguish and desperation, in a garden, he chose to follow through with a plan concocted at the beginning of time. This man was the only truly good man who has ever set foot on this spinning blue planet. He was the only person who didn’t hide an “it’s only human nature” heart of darkness beneath his goodness. He was completely, wholly, remarkably good, in the dictionary sense.

Today is Good Friday, some people call it Glorious Friday, Great Friday or Crucifixion Day. This is the day when Christians remember the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. This is the day we honor the choice that was made by a morally excellent, virtuous, righteous, absolutely perfect man. Every single day of my life is caught up in this choice. Jesus chose to take on my heart of darkness and carry it with him through torture and suffering into a grave to be buried forever and to add victory to victory he came out of that grave with the incredible gift of life in partnership with him. He took the weight of the darkness and in return gave freedom that I can hardly begin to understand or attempt to explain. I still have thoughts that embarrass me and emotions that try to rule me and I still mess up in spectacular fashion. The difference is that I am no longer bound to the ugly darkness hiding behind a mask of false goodness. I am truly, genuinely good because Jesus has made me good. Any darkness that tries to pin itself to me is quickly handled and conquered. I cry because I am grateful. I am chosen and loved and free and grateful. I tear up because I remember again the deep darkness that was my soul. I cry cleansing, happy tears because I stand surrounded and supported by a valiant hero who will never fail. I wipe my eyes and I marvel that thousands of years before I existed I was known. I was planned for, fought for and won by the ultimate Good!

This might not resonate with you at all. You might be a completely lovely, incredibly perfect person who is unquestionably good. You might not struggle with the hidden darkness that I did. That’s great! I’m very happy for you and glad that you are alive in the world. I’m simply sharing my story. My story just happens to be wrapped up in a very old story that has been shared by generations of people from all over the world. Vast numbers of diverse people who have realized that their goodness wasn’t really good at all and have found a true, real and living Good who has made all the darkness completely powerless. My story is one of a person, not a good person but a human person, who has been made good by an incorruptable Goodness. I live my life knowing that all the things about me that are called good by my friends and family are really the result of my relationship with the greatest Good. If you want to know more about my story I will gladly share it anytime but right now my heart is so full it’s leaking out my eyes…

I think I’m going to go have a good cry.