The pain of the unknown washes over me and I wonder…at what point did I surrender good sense? When did I give up my autonomy? How could I have been so careless? But it was God wasn’t it?! I was so sure I heard him. It was confirmed over and over again, but was it really…if the confirmation was only in my own heart…did it happen if no one else witnessed the confirmation? The heart is wicked and deceitful! Have I been duped? Have I been a pawn? I just sit back and keep it all inside. I never push back, I never request answers. I never hold accountable… because I am afraid the answer will be my deepest fears. If someone else were in these shoes I would tell them to run but here I stand with some twisted sense that I’m being faithful to Someone beyond, who sees what I can’t see. I stand in faith waiting for a joyful end. I stand letting hope break over me like crashing waves, feeling simultaneously warmed and torn assunder by each new wave, all the time fighting the niggling voice in the back of my mind that says I am just letting the tide pull the ground from under my feet. Let the tide come! I know the voice, I know who I follow and if the shore is far behind me, if the hope is dashed on rocks of grief and loss, I will walk on water to the promise.