Questions

The pain of the unknown washes over me and I wonder…at what point did I surrender good sense? When did I give up my autonomy? How could I have been so careless? But it was God wasn’t it?! I was so sure I heard him. It was confirmed over and over again, but was it really…if the confirmation was only in my own heart…did it happen if no one else witnessed the confirmation? The heart is wicked and deceitful! Have I been duped? Have I been a pawn? I just sit back and keep it all inside. I never push back, I never request answers. I never hold accountable… because I am afraid the answer will be my deepest fears. If someone else were in these shoes I would tell them to run but here I stand with some twisted sense that I’m being faithful to Someone beyond, who sees what I can’t see. I stand in faith waiting for a joyful end. I stand letting hope break over me like crashing waves, feeling simultaneously warmed and torn assunder by each new wave, all the time fighting the niggling voice in the back of my mind that says I am just letting the tide pull the ground from under my feet. Let the tide come! I know the voice, I know who I follow and if the shore is far behind me, if the hope is dashed on rocks of grief and loss, I will walk on water to the promise.

Bloom

I love this season of the year. I wander through garden centers and nurseries. I dream of what I could do with unlimited resources and expansive property. I smell all the glorious fragrances and drink in the mix of colors. I pick up a small pack of pansies, pay the bill and I go home. I am content with the mix of riotous color in my hand and full of dreams for springs to come. Contentment blooms!

A Good Cry

It’s Friday, just another Friday. It’s mid-April 2019. The view from my window is a bit hazy and the weather forecast is calling for rain, rain and more rain. The news is full of tragedy and triumph, depending on your political persuasion. All appearances would lead you to believe it is just a normal day but, as we well know, looks can be deceiving.

I have been fighting back tears all day. They come without warning as I’m going about my “just another Friday” routine…morning commute, spreadsheets, conversation with co-workers, random errands, etc. These are inconvenient tears for a busy day but I embrace them completely.

I am a good person, or so I have been told by friends and loved ones. This good person (again by outside reports) is kind, sweet, funny, nice to children and old people, loving to family and friends, giving and caring, never killed anyone or stolen anything, not a home-wrecker, a good citizen and faithful taxpayer who votes responsibly, compassionate to man and beast alike, a goody-two-shoes and generally a pretty boringly good person who leads a life devoid of scandal. My second favorite book, the dictionary, defines good as morally excellent, virtuous, righteous, pious, of satisfactory or high quality. I am a good person and that is why I can’t stop crying.

Remember…looks can be deceiving.

You see, I know that beneath my good appearance lies deep darkness. On any given day, to be honest, at any given moment, there is jealousy, insecurity, anger, selfishness, laziness, lust and a whole host of other unpleasant, rotten, vile and wicked tendencies bubbling in my heart and mind. This good person is mean, judgmental, harsh, cruel, has a sharp biting tongue and a quick wit that can tear you limb from limb (ask my brothers they’ll confirm without hesitation), is unyielding, demanding, demeaning and rude. I know, I know this is just being human. Everyone has bad days, rough moments, frustrations and thoughts that would make a sailor blush. That doesn’t mean you’re not a good person, right? Well, this good person has never killed anyone or destroyed a marriage or anything even remotely like that; but if it’s the thought that counts then murder, adultery, theft, hatred and limitless violence are all in the mix of this good person! This isn’t why I can’t stop crying, I mean really, this good person has no remorse and cries for no one but her petulant self.

So why the tears?

This is the day that I remember what makes me a truly, genuinely good person. In an almost mystical, wibbly, wobbly, timey, wimey sort of way, a few thousand years ago a man chose me above himself. In anguish and desperation, in a garden, he chose to follow through with a plan concocted at the beginning of time. This man was the only truly good man who has ever set foot on this spinning blue planet. He was the only person who didn’t hide an “it’s only human nature” heart of darkness beneath his goodness. He was completely, wholly, remarkably good, in the dictionary sense.

Today is Good Friday, some people call it Glorious Friday, Great Friday or Crucifixion Day. This is the day when Christians remember the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. This is the day we honor the choice that was made by a morally excellent, virtuous, righteous, absolutely perfect man. Every single day of my life is caught up in this choice. Jesus chose to take on my heart of darkness and carry it with him through torture and suffering into a grave to be buried forever and to add victory to victory he came out of that grave with the incredible gift of life in partnership with him. He took the weight of the darkness and in return gave freedom that I can hardly begin to understand or attempt to explain. I still have thoughts that embarrass me and emotions that try to rule me and I still mess up in spectacular fashion. The difference is that I am no longer bound to the ugly darkness hiding behind a mask of false goodness. I am truly, genuinely good because Jesus has made me good. Any darkness that tries to pin itself to me is quickly handled and conquered. I cry because I am grateful. I am chosen and loved and free and grateful. I tear up because I remember again the deep darkness that was my soul. I cry cleansing, happy tears because I stand surrounded and supported by a valiant hero who will never fail. I wipe my eyes and I marvel that thousands of years before I existed I was known. I was planned for, fought for and won by the ultimate Good!

This might not resonate with you at all. You might be a completely lovely, incredibly perfect person who is unquestionably good. You might not struggle with the hidden darkness that I did. That’s great! I’m very happy for you and glad that you are alive in the world. I’m simply sharing my story. My story just happens to be wrapped up in a very old story that has been shared by generations of people from all over the world. Vast numbers of diverse people who have realized that their goodness wasn’t really good at all and have found a true, real and living Good who has made all the darkness completely powerless. My story is one of a person, not a good person but a human person, who has been made good by an incorruptable Goodness. I live my life knowing that all the things about me that are called good by my friends and family are really the result of my relationship with the greatest Good. If you want to know more about my story I will gladly share it anytime but right now my heart is so full it’s leaking out my eyes…

I think I’m going to go have a good cry.

You Say it Best When You Say Nothing At All

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Today after work I helped my mom take her car in for service. On the way home, as I was sandwiched in a long line of cars, I mentioned how irritated I was by the guy driving behind me. He was so close to my tail that, like kids at a high-school dance, there wasn’t even room between us for the Holy Spirit. I took the first possible opportunity to get out of his way and he weaved in and out of traffic at a dangerous pace. As he carelessly flew around another of the cars in front of me, I muttered something about his driving which prompted my mom to say “I always try to put myself in their shoes, what if there’s a kid waiting for them at school or an emergency at home”. It drew my attention to something that I have been thinking about all day…EMPATHY.

This evening I heard the sad news about some friends who are struggling to save their marriage. I had a lengthy conversation with another friend who is trying to help a struggling alcoholic walk the road to recovery. Earlier today, I was on Facebook for a few minutes and I saw a post from a dear friend who has been fighting a long, difficult battle. She was venting her frustration about people who unnecessarily add to the burden. All these things made me think about how many times I have been more concerned about saying my piece than about helping to bring peace. How many times have I weaved in and out of a conversation more interested in the destination than in paying attention to what is being said in the moment? I know that I have been sympathetic, offered a shoulder to cry on and said something trite but have I stepped into the realm of empathy.

All these circumstances led me to think about Job’s friends in Job 2. They do a lot of things right when their friend is suffering: they show up, they stay, they try to identify with Job and then…they open their mouths. That’s when things go downhill fast. They begin to give Job advice and help him understand why he’s at fault for his tragic circumstances. They take what they think they know and they try to correct their friend. In the end we’re told that Job is exasperated by these men and even God isn’t pleased with them. In Job 16 we see where Job, this man who has lost everything (home, family, provision, health, EVERYTHING!), looks at his pals and tells them they’re windbags and miserable comforters. What really jumps out at me is when he tells them that if the shoe was on the other foot he would never treat them as they treated him. Romans 12:15 says “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” it doesn’t say anything about giving advice or sharing your thoughts or even fixing the situation. If Job’s buddies had just continued to be with him, grieving with him, we probably wouldn’t know anything about them. I think I’d prefer to be unknown than to be a cautionary tale about how to add to the stress, pain and frustration of the hurting!

Empathy is a little more than feeling sorry for someone. It puts you in the shoes of the hurting. It is imagining what it might be like to go through a tough time and recognizing that, so many times, your presence is all that’s required. Empathy is the willingness to cry with someone without understanding why you’re crying. It is the patience to wait until your advice is requested to give it. It is choosing to be a silent partner in someone else’s struggle. It is at its essence just being. When the moment comes, and it will come, for you to be an empathetic presence in a friend’s time of need, don’t worry about figuring out what to do…BE. Be present, be quiet, be patient, be understanding, be willing to do research, make calls and go the extra mile, be willing to be forgotten, be gentle, be kind, be self-less, be willing to say “I don’t know” and “I have no words” and be a conduit through which healing and help can flow.

In this current age, where everyone seems to have a need to speak out and be heard, a little quiet, loving empathy could be a life-line to someone in need. Growing up I often heard it said that we have two ears and one mouth which means we should listen twice as much as we speak. Could you imagine what would happen in our society if we started listening more? What if every interaction came with a pause to consider what each person was feeling? Empathy costs very little, you might have to give up some time and maybe lose a smidgen of pride or selfishness. The beauty of empathy is that it allows us to view the world through another’s eyes. This gift of vision always expands our own view of that same world and gives us compassion for people we might otherwise ignore or avoid. Empathy, what an opportunity to make the world a better place, one wounded heart at a time.

What are you looking at?

When I was little, there was a woman at church who would always go to the front of the room and dance very expressively, when worship started. I grew up in a church where most people danced but they didn’t rush to the front of the room, they simply danced at their seat or in an aisle. I would often find myself watching her and in my great wisdom (I was probably all of 10 years old, so I knew everything already) I would think “she shouldn’t do that, she’s distracting people, does she just want everyone to see her, that’s not very godly”. One week, as we walked to the car after church, I voiced these thoughts to my dad, expecting him to agree with my wisdom and commend me for my maturity. I will never forget the look of disappointment that crossed his face (I’m tearing up as I write this because it comes back to my mind’s eye so vividly) which startled me because it was the last thing I expected to see. He gently grabbed my shoulders and turned me to look directly into his eyes and he said something to me which has been a hallmark and cornerstone in my life. He said “Babydoll, why are you so concerned with someone else’s worship? All you’ve told me is that you have been looking at the wrong thing. You haven’t been focusing on God. You don’t have the right to judge another’s worship when you aren’t even offering up your own.” I was hurt by what he said because I always wanted to make him proud and I felt like I’d let him down but his words captured my attention. The next Sunday as my eyes would drift to the lady dancing at the front (who I have to tell you was one of the sweetest most sincere people you could ever meet) I remembered what my dad said and I turned my concentration back to God.

Now that I have added enough years to my age to recognize that I really know very little I still cling to those words my dad spoke to me a lifetime ago, “…you have been looking at the wrong thing. You haven’t been focusing on God.” They come to me when I feel like something is askew in my world. These words have led me time and time again to seek out other words that keep moving me in the same direction that my dad pointed to so many moons ago; “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3, “He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.” Psalm 112:7 (this one held me afloat the year my dad died), “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.” Psalm 91:14

In our Christian platitudes we often compare Jesus Christ, the Son of God, with the physical Sun. We talk about how our lives are supposed to revolve around Jesus “the Son” the way our planet revolves around the Sun and this is true but it doesn’t encompass the whole truth. It’s not a full picture because, while we’re encouraged not to look directly at the Sun, lest we be blinded (expensive eclipse glasses ring a bell), if we stop looking at Jesus we will spin out of our proper orbit. Hebrews 12:1-2 encourages us to “…run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith…” Some translations say “fixing your eyes on Jesus” and I love the way that this wording illustrates the point. If I am fixed or fixated on something then all my concentration is on it. The next verse, Hebrews 12:3 hits this point again when it encourages us to “consider him…so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted”. Thinking carefully about Jesus, about every facet of him, is critical if we want to grow in our faith. It is even more critical if we are feeling our faith slipping away.

In the past several years I have watched as people who I know, love and admire have turned away from the church, their faith and ultimately Jesus. These people run the gamut from dear friends to acquaintances to artists, teachers and musicians who I may not personally know but who have deeply impacted my life. I have observed some key commonalities among these souls. Each of them started out with passion about something good; social justice projects like fighting poverty and rescuing people trafficked in sex trades, challenging hypocrisy and sin in the house of God, helping others to find healing from life’s wounds, teaching people how to exercise self-care so as not to become burnt out by life, all really good things, important things, necessary things to be passionate about.

I have noticed that in each of these situations the slide away from faith always starts with a shift in focus. It usually comes out as hyper-awareness of the cause that they’re involved with. This is the most dangerous moment because they still think they are okay. They repeat certain popular verses and quotes repeatedly (i.e. “faith without works is dead” or “I need to put my oxygen mask on before I can help another put theirs on”) to justify the intensity of their focus on their passion but if you’re listening you’ll notice little shifts that show a new shallowness to the scope of their conversation. They stop talking about the spiritual thrust behind their good works. They stop bringing new insights from the Word of God into conversation. They begin to talk more about the difficulties of what they’re pursuing than the gains. That’s always how it starts, a subtle shift in focus.

The next thing that I have seen is a distancing from the church. This often starts with quiet complaints about how people aren’t embracing their cause or statements about how “this church isn’t meeting my needs”. They will begin to ask questions like “how can a loving God allow so much pain and evil in the world?”. You’ll start hearing them talk about hypocrisy in the church and they’ll regularly talk about people who they’ve met through their causes who don’t follow God but are absolutely incredible people. I get this, I really do! I struggle with the church because I have grown up in the church and have pastors hanging off so many branches of my family tree it’s astonishing. I have seen the good, bad and ugly in every shape and form. I’ve taught Sunday School for every age group from infant to adult. I have worked at a bible college, Christian theatre and church finance office. I have been a youth leader, worship leader and dramatic arts leader. I have taught, preached, counseled and then some. I’m just trying to point out that when it comes to church stuff I have been around. I have seen abuses of every kind take place inside a church. I have been verbally abused by leaders who were supposed to care for my soul. I have watched precious men and women get used up and tossed away without so much as an apology. I have seen people full of hope get crushed over and over until their hope is dashed. In all that I have seen and experienced I have come to this one overwhelming conclusion about the church. It is full of people and people are the worst! I love going to church when no one is there and the building is quiet and peaceful but I realize that the instant I walk into that quiet and peaceful building I have just ruined it. I am a people and I am the worst! This is part of the problem with losing focus on Jesus. The instant you stop focusing on him you stop looking at people through his grace-filled eyes. You begin to concentrate on the ugliness in the church and not the incredible work that God is doing as he purifies his people. Honestly, there are some days when I am standing on the stage getting ready to help lead worship and I look at the congregation and I think “boy, it’s a good thing I’m already saved because if you told me that becoming a Christian meant I would have to be like these people I would run as fast and as far as I could”. I’m pretty sure that there are people who think that when they look at me too (as previously mentioned I am the worst!). The beauty is that when I fix my eyes on Jesus, when I remember not to judge the lady dancing wildly at the front of the sanctuary, I find myself loving all of these people. I remember that they are just like me and if Jesus can make something valuable out of my life then he can do the same with all these other messes in the church. There is incredible strength, compassion, wisdom, joy, comfort, love and so many other amazing qualities that are revealed in the church when our focus is in the right place. It doesn’t mean that we ignore or gloss over the issues, it simply puts the issues in the frame of God’s greater picture and provides the grace to work through them. When we stop focusing on Jesus we get hyper-critical of everyone but ourselves. We either get so focused on what we think are their problems that we forget that we must choose to love one another or we get so focused on our value that we devalue those people who don’t measure up to our standards.

The final step in this slide away from faith is sliding away from Jesus. It generally comes with lots of uses of the word “spiritual” instead of “Christian”. There’s a concentration on how everything feels instead of what the Bible says about a situation. The biggest sign is when they stop using the name Jesus. Why? When you personalize someone by calling them by name you have to recognize who they are. I have a friend who became deeply offended with a family member and over time I noticed that my friend just stopped calling this person by name. They would refer to them by title “my _____” in conversation so you’d know who they were talking about but when these people were in the same room my friend would never once say the other persons name. It was weird to say the least. I have also seen the reverse where someone referred to another person by a term of endearment but after an argument began to call that person by their formal first name. What you call someone and how you refer to them speaks volumes about your relationship. When people stop using the name Jesus it speaks of broken relationship. If they haven’t completely walked away from their faith yet then you’ll usually hear them use Christ or simply God instead of Jesus. A simple Google search (or several years studying theology) will show you that Christ is not Jesus’ last name. Christ is a title indicating that Jesus is the prophesied Messiah. In the original Greek it is Christos and it means anointed one. When you say Christ you are referring to an office not a person. It’s the same with God. That is not a name, it is a descriptor. God never reveals his name, although in the Bible he gives us many things to call him based on his character, and so we use the term god which refers to a supreme being and we spell it with a capital G to indicate that he is the highest, most supreme but it’s not his name. The Bible has a lot to say about the name Jesus. Acts 4 shows us Peter and John talking to the religious leaders about a crippled man who had been healed. In verse 10 Peter says “let it be known to all of you and to all the people of Israel that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead—by him this man is standing before you well.” Peter goes on to make a very powerful statement in verse 12, “And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” Peter doesn’t say there’s no other title or term. He says there is no other NAME. In Luke 1:31 the angel, Gabriel, comes to Mary to announce God’s plan to bring a Savior into the world. Gabriel give specific instructions about the name of the Messiah. He told Mary “you shall call his name Jesus.” In Matthew 1:20-21 an angel appears to Joseph in a dream and instructs him to name the baby Jesus. In verse 25 of the same chapter it says “And he called his name Jesus”. One of my favorite verses about the name of Jesus is Philippians 2:9-11 “Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” There is so much importance tied up in the name of Jesus which is why it is such a glaring signal when someone stops using it. As I mentioned before, it speaks of broken relationship.

My Grandma Maxwell used to sit at the piano and sing old hymns and through her I learned to treasure some of the old songs that we don’t often sing anymore. One of my favorites is this one:

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
O’er us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conqu’rors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

As Christians, anointed ones, we are supposed to impact the world around us. We’re supposed to do justly and love mercy. Luke 10:27 tells us that we have two major functions. First “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind,” and secondly we love “your neighbor as yourself.” When we put the second part ahead of the first then we lose focus. When we don’t love God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind we lose purpose. If our focus remains on Jesus then we will not be destroyed. We won’t be left unfinished or without purpose. Look at Hebrews 12:2 again “ looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Focus on Jesus, the founder and perfecter and you will be established and made complete. It takes time, effort and practice to focus on Jesus but it’s the same in any relationship. If you want to know someone you spend time and you concentrate on them. If you find your focus shifting and your heart becoming unsettled ask yourself “What are you looking at?”

Jesus is NOT my boyfriend

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This post is part confessional and hopefully part encouragement but it’s all honest and if it lifts someone’s heart then I will be a very happy camper indeed.

Confessions Part II (Some of y’all have Usher runnin’ through your head now…heathens!)

I am 41 and 42 is rapidly approaching. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a wife and a mother. When I was little I assumed that I would be like my parents; meet in college, get married young and start a family right away. Most of the adults that I knew had a very similar story and I assumed that was the way things worked. Well, little Debbie was sorely mistaken! I never had a high school sweetheart, college came and went with no Mr. Right to sweep me off my feet and the years plodded on with nary a kiss to mark the time. This middle-aged lady can count her total number of dates on one hand, that’s right I said ONE hand. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t loved, lost and lived to tell but it does mean that the loving and losing has been very one-sided. We can gather from my revelations that I’ve never been in a long-term relationship but I said I would be honest so, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit that I spent the better part of a decade very deeply loving someone who didn’t love me. Letting my heart go in a direction where it wasn’t welcomed was certainly not the most sound decision of my life but that painful season brought some incredibly valuable lessons and I cherish the things that I learned from unrequited love. For those of you who don’t read carefully I’m going to hearken back to my subtly slipped in bombshell. I have never been kissed, unless you count sloppy wet kisses from my nieces and nephews (that’s right, for the squeamish worshippers among you, I am squarely in the “sloppy wet kiss” camp! Now some of ya’ll have John Mark McMillan running through your head). From that revelation we can extrapolate that there are a lot of things that I’ve never done. I know good Christian girls aren’t supposed to talk about this stuff but I’ve heard that sex can be a lot of fun and I would love to find someone to have, hold and make love to but that’s not the direction my path has taken. I never wore a purity ring and I’m totally cool with kissing before your wedding (the thought of your first kiss happening in front of a crowd is nauseating to me). I wasn’t one of those youth group girls who sat down and made an impossible list of what qualities my perfect man should have and who sadly never met the mythical perfect man (at this point “Breathing” is my entire list). My issue wasn’t that I kissed dating goodbye, it was simply that no one was asking. I grew up with 3 brothers and have always had a lot of great friends of the male persuasion so I never felt like I was missing out. The few times that I have been asked out I said yes because they were great guys with whom I knew I’d have a great time. The biggest reason that I’ve never really dated or kissed anyone or slept with anyone is because, although Jesus is not my boyfriend, He is the most important person in my world. No matter how much I would like to be married, have sex, be a mom, what I really want most is to be who He wants me to be, where He wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do. This is my confession; Jesus is not my boyfriend, He is so much more and I couldn’t imagine a life where I simply settled for what I wanted while missing out on what He wants for me. I genuinely believe that someday I’ll be a wife and in reality I’ve already been a mom, of sorts, to a host of remarkable people but if it’s on my own schedule and not God’s then I will be missing something.

And Now For Something Completely Different (not really completely but maybe a little bit different)

I have read every article on singleness ever written in any Christian publication. I am a treasure trove of do’s, don’ts, statistics and facts. I have watched friends and family have wonderful relationships and awful relationships. I have seen bitter divorces and met friendly exes. I have worried that I’m too old for marriage only to watch a precious friend enter into joyous matrimony in her 60’s. I have worried that I’m too fat only to come across gloriously happy fluffy people who walked down the aisle. I have battled the great lie that I have to be perfect in order for God to bless me with a spouse only to watch friends who are walking, talking disasters turn out to be absolutely perfect for each other. As I have been single for longer than many of my friends and loved ones have been married, I’m often asked by other singles for any advice on how to be a contented single person. I have this small piece of wisdom to dispense to those who might be wondering how to be a fulfilled, successful single person, especially in the church. Are you ready? Are you sure? This is profound so make sure you can handle this!

 

 

Singleness sucks!

 

 

However, from what I’ve heard marriage can suck, parenting too. Pursuing your dreams can be awful and soul killing. Waiting for God to fulfill His promises can be torturous. The church can be a lonely place for a single person or a married person or any sort of person at all. The world can be harsh and cruel. The good news is that the reverse is also true. Singleness can be amazing. Marriage can be life-giving, parenting deeply rewarding. Waiting for God to fulfill His promises can be thrilling. The church can be a supportive place for a single person or a married person or any sort of person at all. The world can be magical and inspiring. The real truth that I have for you is simply to be obedient. God has a different plan and purpose for each life and if we obey we’ll find ourselves looking back on our path and finding the beauty in each step. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be hard days or confusion or heart ache. When those times come embrace them for what they are, part of being human. Shed your tears, shout, scream, rage and then dust yourself off and obey. There is joy in the obedience. This is the secret to being a successful, fulfilled whatever you are. Enjoy what you are in this moment, be it single, married, childless, widowed, or whatever else, and let God reveal the grace He’s prepared for the next moment. Don’t fall into the trap of wishing away where you are right now pining for what comes next. It is quite likely that where God has you right now is exactly the place He’s using to prepare you for what you’ve been hoping for. The great thing about obedience is that there’s no set way to obey. You simply follow the directions that God gives. Date or don’t date. Homeschool your kids or send them to public school. Eat the last piece of cake or save it for your hubby. Take that financial leap or put it away for a rainy day. All you need to be is obedient! The rest is in God’s hands.

Don’t Be Eye Candy, Be Soul Food

I saw this cheeky statement while scrolling through Instagram today and it resonated deeply with me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about body image. There are myriad voices talking about this topic right now and I was hesitant to add to the noise but here I go, noise be hanged.

I come from a long line of strong, courageous, godly woman on both sides of my family tree. These women raised families and served their communities with love, compassion and wisdom. Many of these remarkable woman were built like me. For those of you who don’t know me I’m either morbidly obese or gloriously curvy depending on who you ask. If you ask me I’ll tell you the truth; most days I’m comfortable in my own skin even though I sometimes wish there was less skin to be comfortable in. Occasionally I have days where I feel like some sort of hippo-whale-elephant hybrid who’s comfortable skin is going to take over the world. I have learned that even on my hippalephant days I can be kind to myself and appreciate the beauty in this body. It has taken me a loooooooooong time to come to this place but I’m proud to be here. As I look back at the times in which my grandmothers, great-grandmothers and great-great-grandmothers lived I find myself wondering how did they fight these battles.

As soon as the first of my three brothers was born the innate knowledge that no one can pick on my brothers but me came alive in my psyche. I think anyone who has a sibling knows this song and dance. Your sibling can drive you absolutely crazy and you can be merciless to them but if someone outside your family circle throws the barbs you immediately rise to the defense of your great familial annoyance as though they are the most precious individual the world has ever produced. I had a very similar relationship with my body. I could wander around feeling as though I would never possibly measure up to some nebulous impossible standard and berate myself for not being the picture of perfection but if someone else pointed out a perceived flaw or made a suggestion about physical change I would become defiantly protective of my self-image despite the fact that what someone else said could never match the ferocity of my inner hatred. I was a personal bully of the worst sort, not a motivator or champion but an outright bully. Was I alone in this self-absorbed discontent? Unfortunately, no. I grew up with a beautiful mother who never seemed to believe my dad when he complimented her beauty. To this day she’s quick to hear the criticism in every compliment and is the first one to point out her flaws. In addition to her sparkling eyes, gorgeous dark hair (that still hasn’t been touched by gray) and the softest hands in the world she’s fiercely committed to her family, passionate to serve God with her whole heart and a staunch defender of the hurting and downtrodden. I have a dear friend, one of my favorite people on the planet, who somehow finds a way to insert his disappointment with his appearance into every conversation. In addition to his strong, masculine features and eyelashes most women would kill for, he is one of the most courageous people I know, full of integrity and wisdom. I have another friend who is, unquestionably, one of the most physically beautiful people I’ve ever seen. Whenever we’re together she mentions her fears about gaining weight (she’s been a size 0 since I first met her). She’s also one of the kindest, sweetest, most caring people I’ve ever come across. It makes me wonder “If these amazing, incredible people can’t be comfortable in their phenomenal skin is it possible to be comfortable in mine?”. The answer is a resounding…YES!!!

I have come to the conclusion that my body image has to be based on something much greater than my own confidence, which ebbs and flows. Whenever I need to find something greater I always start with the Word of God. You might be surprised at how much the Bible has to say about our bodies! One of my all-time favorite verses is Psalm 139:14 “I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” I love those words fearfully and wonderfully. In the original Hebrew fearfully means “with great reverence, heart-to-heart interest and with respect” while wonderfully means “unique, set apart, marvelous”. I don’t think we often use these words when we think about ourselves but could you imagine if every day began with the reminder that we were crafted with great reverence and respect to be unique and marvelous. I think we’d start each day with a bit more confidence, a pinch more spring in each step and more hope for the future. So what were we so magnificently made for? 1 Corinthians 6:19 answers this question with its own question, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?” What a humbling thought, that God so values us that He wants our bodies to be His holy place! These bodies that we fret over and complain about are treasured by the One who made us, fearfully and wonderfully. The verse goes on to say to that we are not our own. It says in verse 20 that we were bought with a price and are therefore to honor God with our bodies. This is an encouragement to care for ourselves, to not allow our bodies to become involved in anything that doesn’t reflect or glorify God. The reality is that these verses show how much our bodies are valued by God. He so honors our frail, faulty human bodies that He chooses to make His home in them. This thought is so beautifully brought to light in the first part of 2 Corinthians 4:7 “But we have this treasure in jars of clay”. A home for infinitely precious treasure; my body is a home for treasure and I despised it. What abject arrogance!

Here we come to a point of great debate. What sort of shape should the temple of God be in? Should it be able to dead lift massive quantities of weight? Should it be supermodel slim? Should it be chiseled and 6 pack laden? What if your temple has a disability? What if you’re chronically ill? Does that disqualify you in some way? I’m going to ignore all of these questions at the moment because I’m more concerned with self-image. I will say one thing and this is solely my opinion (and like my dad always said “opinions are like armpits, everyone has a couple and they all stink”) so take it as you will. I don’t think there’s a specific outline for how you care for your physical temple. I believe that doing your best to maintain your health and not intentionally doing things to harm yourself or choosing destructive habits is the root of temple care. If that’s working out and staying trim, being gloriously curvy with great blood work or keeping your hope and optimism in a body that is fighting a battle, that’s between you and the One who made you, fearfully and wonderfully.

I can be so catty sometimes. I can judge people harshly based on a passing glance. I can write someone off without ever having a conversation with them because I forget that they are full of potential. They are living breathing jars of clay just waiting for someone to take the time to discover the treasure within. I have heard people say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels or nothing tastes as good as healthy feels but I think that no amount of skinny or even healthy is as good as kindness to ourselves and others. Could you imagine if all of our interactions with others came from a recognition of their sacred, holy destiny? What if we each learned how to be comfortable in our own skin and to love others in the skin they’re in? What if my mom and the friends that I mentioned realized how absolutely amazing they are and walked in the confidence of being marvelous. I hope someday future generations of my family will think about me, the way I think about the women who came before me, and they’ll tell stories about how I always made them feel special, and taught them to look at everyone with kindness. I hope that when they look at themselves they can confidently say that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. A temple, fearfully and wonderfully made…that’s my body image!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A life inspired by a guy named Keith

My dad was a guy named Keith. It’s not one of the most common names but if you think about it you probably know at least one.  Keith is a Scottish name but that’s about all you find when you look it up, usually it says “unknown meaning” or simply “place name”. I know all about what Keith means because a Keith gave me my place in this world. I’m not referring merely to the fact that he was my biological father; I’m talking about the way he gave shape to who I am. Along with my precious mother, he gave me roots so deep, we’re talking center of the earth deep, that no matter where I go in this world I can be completely at home, grounded and fully myself. He also gave me a pretty substantial pair of wings that have, many times, lifted me beyond the mundane into realms of fulfilled dreams and amazing visions of futures yet to be visited. My Keith was a teller of story, a spinner of tales. As a very small girl he would play with my brother and I weaving fancies of a brilliant damsel finding her way out of distress and valiant heroes conquering all. He taught me that I could be both a princess and a scrapper. Every evening after dinner he would wrestle with us while Mom cleaned up. We would squeal and giggle and he wouldn’t let go until we’d either cried “Uncle” or fought our way out. He didn’t care if we failed at something as long as we had given it our best and he was quick to help us find ways to tackle the mountain again so that failure wasn’t our hallmark. He taught us to sing and to love music. He taught us to worship because it was our life’s call to worship God. He taught me how to change a tire, frame a wall and measure twice cut once. He watched Jane Austen films with me (he called them “bonnet movies”) and would tear up at the happy ending every time. He was strong but so incredibly gentle and he gave solidity to a fluid world. For what I thought was some inexplicable reason God called me to move home in my late 20’s for what I thought was a going backward. It was an intense internal battle to give up the perceived freedom of my “own” life to move back home but, thanks in no small part to my deep roots, I obeyed and returned to Keith and Bev’s roof. In what was God’s greatest gift to me so far, I had a season of precious time with my dad, the guy who called me “Baby doll” and “Punkin’ seed”. We drove to work together almost every day and talked about everything; life, family, God, hopes, disappointments, fears, faith. We laughed until we cried and cried until we healed. Twelve years ago, today, October 17th he died of a pulmonary embolism which was due to trauma from what the doctor called “one of the worst brain bleeds he’d ever seen”. He spent two weeks in the head trauma unit making miraculous recovery after miraculous recovery. He beat the doctor’s prognosis day after day. He sat up and started talking, he remembered us and, although he wasn’t completely in control of his faculties, he still had his sense of humor. I spent every day for those two weeks sitting by his bed. I would go in the morning before work and just be there. He always knew that I was there, even though I didn’t say anything and he would wake up and tell me he loved me. He reminded me that I had a purpose and that I had to pursue God no matter what. We thought he was going to make a complete miraculous recovery, that God was going to restore him but God had a different plan. He died 10 days before my 29th birthday and one of my most precious possessions is his final signature. He scrawled it for his therapist the day before he died and my beautiful grieving mother taped it into my birthday card so that I wouldn’t have a card unsigned by him on that day.  I still have the last note he ever wrote to me in my office so that I can see it every day. It’s a tiny yellow post-it that says “Have a fantastic day, Punkin’ Seed.” He tucked it into my lunch when I was 28 years old. When I was little he would carry me to bed, kiss my forehead, pray with me and sing me to sleep. The night before he had what would turn out to be a life-ending brain aneurysm he, for the first time in many years, came into my room, tucked me into bed, kissed me on the forehead, prayed for me and sang me to sleep. I still, after a dozen years, don’t understand why he didn’t continue in this life but his fingerprints are all over the framework of my life. I hear him in my brother Jon’s humor. I see him in my brother Joe’s hands. I feel him when my brother Ben leads worship. I know that the reason that I am who I am, the reason that I was able to stand losing him, is because he built me well. Those roots and wings all stretch toward a Heavenly Father that Keith spent his life pointing me to. I am an echo of a man who made a loud sound on this earth but I’m not a diminishing sound. I’m getting louder and stronger the farther out I go and when the sound comes back to where it started from you’ll get an awesome sense of a life inspired by a guy named Keith.

What’s in a name?

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“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet;” or so we’ve been led to believe by the Bard and many imitators. I’ve always disagreed with this thought. I believe that a name is of the utmost importance. There is something very powerful about names. A name gives the framework to an idea and substance to a feeling. When we can’t remember a name we’re left at a bit of a loss. Names indicate value and ascribe place. A name can be endearing or demeaning, can cultivate love or demoralize. Names have power! When we name something we give substance to that name. Our deep honor and responsibility is to determine whether those names bring life or death. (Proverbs 18:21)

I have been thinking a lot about what we name ourselves; about the difference between a description and a definition. If I were to ask you to describe a something or a someone you would tell me about the attributes of the object. For example, here is a description of myself: I am of average height and above average weight with curly brown hair and blue eyes, I am loyal, sarcastic, honest, determined, encouraging, funny, compassionate, cynical, and passionate about my beliefs and the people I love. As you read the above description you should have begun to get a picture of my character and personality. However, if someone asks me about myself my first response is usually about my marital status (single) and my job (admin). Have you ever noticed how quick we are to describe ourselves as though we’re filing tax returns? These words give an impression of me but they are not me. They give form but they are not the whole.

My definition, what lays down my essential nature, is far deeper than my description. You see my description is apt to change. If I color my hair, lose or gain weight, get married, change careers, become more solemn or take up a new hobby my description changes to reflect these differences. My definition is found outside myself, far beyond myself. Here is just a glimpse at my definition: I am God’s, redeemed, called by God’s name, formed by Him and created for His glory (Isaiah 43:1,7), I am known (Jeremiah 1:5), I am treasured (Deuteronomy 7:6), I am holy and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12), I am chosen (I Thessalonians 1:4), I am loved (John 3:16) and on and on. My truest self, what I have been named, is found not in my description but in my definition. The words above are my name…redeemed, loved, known, holy, chosen. I keep using myself as an example but this applies to you as well! We are so much more than how we describe ourselves.

I was recently watching a movie where several armies were coming into battle and they knew their foes by the banners that were carried. As soon as they saw the flags hovering over the soldiers they knew their foe by name. I have noticed an alarming tendency for us to allow our descriptors to become our definers, to become our names, our banners. I have friends who, like me, are single but not just on their tax forms. Singleness has become their name. It permeates every facet of their life and looms over them like a banner. Every choice is made through the eye of their singleness. The same could be said about some of my friends who are divorced or married. I have seen descriptions like grumpy or moody become someone’s name. I have seen others who have not allowed themselves the blessing of grief because they have allowed happiness to become their name. All of their choices and attributes are encompassed by a mere description. Every joy is tainted and every sorrow magnified because their name has been changed to something fleeting, temporal and unsteady. The banner over us, our name, should be something far greater and more sure. I love this description from Song of Solomon 2:4b (from the classic amplified version) “his banner over me was love [for love waved as a protecting and comforting banner over my head when I was near him].”.

I have come to love the song Good, Good Fatherª for its powerful declaration of name. The chorus is the essence of simplicity:

“You’re a Good, Good Father
It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are
And I’m loved by you
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am”

That is my essential nature. It is my name, my definition. I am loved by God! As I think about it I am even more convinced that Shakespeare was wrong. My character or fragrance will reflect my name because my name defines me. If I allow myself to be defined as a thistle I am going to reflect that definition by developing prickles over time but if I know, absolutely, that my name is rose then it doesn’t matter if you describe me as a skunk-cabbage or thistle. I am a rose and my fragrance will be that of a rose. Over time, you will see that no matter how I am described I can be no less than a rose. It is who I am!

No matter what your tax form, driver’s license or resume says about you, you have a name. Learn to call yourself by that name and you will find that you exude those defining qualities; treasured, chosen, known, holy, loved etc. You’ll find that your description will change too. You may start hearing things like joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful and so on. You’ll probably find yourself beginning to name others with the name that’s been given to you but we’ll delve into that thought next time.

ªAnthony Brown | Pat Barrett
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Oh, Good Grief

The other day I had a very Charlie Brown sort of a day. I had to do a very hard thing. It wasn’t like mountain climbing or saving a planet from certain doom but it was still a hard thing. For several days I had been praying and preparing for the hard thing and when the fateful day dawned I prepared very carefully. I spent the morning seeking God for exactly how to do this hard thing and I was so concentrated on the hard thing that I absolutely, completely forgot to put on deodorant. Yep, forgot to put on deodorant which I didn’t notice until halfway through my work day! When I realized what I had done (or in this case hadn’t done) all of the apprehension about the pending hard thing fled. It was this little moment of absurdity that just caused all the tension to be washed clean by genuine silliness. I even, like my childhood friend Charlie Brown, found myself saying aloud the magically healing words…oh, good grief. Good and grief, these two words don’t seem to blend together very well but sometimes it is the very blending of these two words that God uses to pull us out of ourselves and inject a little life into a situation. If a little leven levens a whole lump than I think that a little levity can do the same. A sprinkle of grief or a minor frustration or inconvenience can work a relieving amount of good if we recognize it for the gift that it is. Later in the day, once again full of apprehension on my way to do the very hard thing, I spilled perfume all over my shoes. We’re talking a lot of perfume, a lot. It was so bad that when I stepped into my car after the spill it made me tear up and I had to open all the windows. So open the windows I did and laughed at the good grief. Once again, the stress and tension melted away and, although I had a bit of a perfume induced headache, my heart was much lighter because of the condition of my feet. I don’t have chapter and verse to back up my thoughts but I do think that if we would recognize our little mishaps and foibles as the opportunities for grace that they are we would find ourselves experiencing more of the good and less of the grief. If I had taken the lack of deodorant or the powerful floral aromatics of my shoes seriously it could have derailed all the work that God was doing in and through me that day. Accepting that sometimes a preoccupied mind forgets something sorta, kinda crucial or that bottles don’t always behave and keep their lids on perfectly allowed me to be available to what the day was really about. It was just the God kiss, the blessing, that I needed to be able to obey His will for my day and do it with a right spirit. Look for the levity in your life instead of the lumps. Breathe in the perfume heavy shoes that inhabit your world and remember that God has got it all under control and that even a little grief can work much good when He is in it.med_gallery_143_38_60415