They say to write what you know and I know being single. I’ve never been part of a couple, I am not dating Jesus and I am not self-partnered or in a season of singleness. When I do my taxes I check the box that says single. It’s a description but not a definition. I do not feel called to singleness. It’s simply that, in the words of my Uncle Van, I have yet to meet a man who deserves to be as happy as only I can make him. Truthfully most of the time I’m okay with that and occasionally I am not.

As life goes I am spectacularly blessed. I love my job, sincerely, I get to do things I enjoy with people I respect and get along with. I own a sweet cottage on an adorable street in a nice town. I have a small group of genuine friends, from around the globe, who make me laugh, hold me accountable, and support me when I need encouragement. I have a wonderfully weird family for who I am beyond grateful. They are the people who keep me grounded, and help me dream. All in all life is good.

It took me a while to get to a place where I could live my life in the moment without always being aware of what I lack. It can be an enormous challenge, in the culture I grew up in, to be a single person. What culture am I talking about…the North American church, specifically the protestant, evangelical, charismatic, North American church. In the culture in which I live, move, and have my being, marriage is the paragon of virtues. Please understand, I am not knocking marriage! I have a deep respect for marriage, for what it is meant to be, and would love to participate in that time-honored covenant. That being said, I believe we have put marriage on a pedestal it doesn’t deserve. Why would I say something so scandalous. Let me tell you why.

One of the great gifts of being an older single woman is perspective. I have moved through all the different age groups; nursery, Sunday School, youth group, Bible College, singles ministry, ladies groups, small groups, prayer circles, etc. I have watched as we have spent decades preparing people to grow up and have godly marriages. I have watched people, who were never prepared to simply grow up and be godly individuals, flounder and flail when they haven’t met their soulmate by their early 20’s. I have spent hours counseling young women who felt like failures, forgotten by God, because they were approaching 25 alone. I have seen fantastic young men try and fit into molds they weren’t made for in order to become the sort of prince that would catch the eye of this year’s model of an ideal Christian woman. Many parts of this culture are just beginning to realize that there’s more than just marriage along the narrow road.

I have been blessed with a litany of “when you’re married” thoughts by people whose simple possession of a marriage license suddenly made them sages. The same people who are still walking, talking disasters in desperate need of sanctification (just like me). These are thoughtful people who have said things like “you’re so lucky you’re single because you have time to focus on your relationship with God” or “use this time to let Him prepare you for your perfect mate”. These people inevitably forget that I knew them before they were married and am acutely aware of the imperfect state they were in when they married. It is not our marital status that should give us permission to speak into the lives around us. The only thing that qualifies us to speak into another’s life is the Holy Spirit working through us. FYI, marital status is not a qualifier for being led by the Spirit. Believe it or not, being single doesn’t mean I have any more time to focus on my relationship with the Lord. Being single means I have different responsibilities, not lesser, just different.

I suspect that should I ever marry, I will be just as rubbish at the start as my beloved brothers and sisters-in-law, who all married relatively young. Why? Shouldn’t my years of life-experience make me more prepared? No, I’m still just as human now as when I was an idealistic young person. I may be more aware of my faults and foibles but I’m still a cracked pot carrying the weight of glory. I suspect living closely with another human being requires as much grace when you’re in your 40’s as it does in your 20’s. That is why I spend time talking to my nieces and nephews about who they are, their character, their relationship with God. My oldest niece has begun to notice boys and daydream about her future. This is a precious thing and I will not squash it! I will, however, remind her that her worth in God’s kingdom lies not in her marriageability but in her availability.

I have experienced, in the church, the feeling of being lesser than, of being unworthy, of being some sort of consolation prize (dear married ladies please do not, for the love of all that is holy, tell single women that you told your husband “if I were to die before him I want him to marry you” – we’ve met your husbands and we’re not interested…no lie, this has happened to me several times). For those of you, who like me are still traveling this faith journey on your own, and don’t feel called to a life of singleness, you are not forgotten! You’re not lacking or less than. As we follow Jesus and walk in obedience, it is the faithful giving of our hands to do what we’re called to do that matters. There might be a lid out there for whatever sort of pot you are, but in the meantime you can still be useful. I have a small teapot that has no lid. I don’t use it for tea. I use it as a planter. It has a beautiful long vine that drapes over a bookcase. It is my favorite teapot. It adds a special sort of beauty because it fulfills its purpose in a unique way. I think I’m much like this teapot. There are days that I am intensely aware that I don’t have a lid and my heart yearns to have a lid and function the way teapots should function. Most days though, I realize that my life is filled to the brim with a different sort of usefulness. It is precisely my lack of lid that makes me perfect for this season. Dearest church, dearest single friends, dearest married friends, dearest divorced friends, and widowed friends and friends too young to pay any notice to things like this; let’s encourage one another not only to be godly spouses but to be godly people. To add beauty and wisdom, value and integrity, wherever we are, no matter our marital status, age, race, financial state, etc. Let’s simply encourage each other to run our race with endurance. We are not all in the same lap but we’re on the same track. What a beautiful thing to recognize that one day all we cracked pots, with lids and without, will be made whole.

Thanks to James Orr @orrbarone for making this photo available on Unsplash 🎁 https://unsplash.com/photos/I0EyZ02Ke3E